To continual new beginnings – a brighter hope, an even brighter future – moving forward
I feel free. I feel renewed. I feel I have found myself again – self-rediscovery. It has taken me quite sometime to finally get to this spot. Yes, I have my down days – my depression I constantly battle, constantly fight. Feeling drained. Feeling suffocated by my thoughts, by my heavy emotions.
Yet I feel alive – I feel free. Happy. Myself – once again.
How time has flown by. The many years of losing myself in a downward spiral. One that kept pulling me in a black hole – sinking.
Today marks 2 years since Matthew left. Since he decided marriage wasn’t for him. The desire to be with me – suddenly gone. Like I didn’t matter. As if I were just a waste of time to him, or better yet – a passing time of distraction until he found something better, something/one that would fulfill his temporary happiness. One he constantly fought to keep filled with something “new” & “exciting” because apparently – I lost that to him. I wasn’t that to him anymore.
Last year on this day – I was at work when I received a text message from him, finally coming to terms with his abrupt decision to leave suddenly. The longest most emotional text message I have ever received- apologizing. I was working at a doctor’s office at the time, & I sat quietly in my cubicle – sobbing. Sobbing because not that I missed him, but the fact that he finally apologized. He finally recognized what he did & realized how his actions affected me emotionally & mentally – along with my every day life of trying to live a good life by supporting myself with two jobs. I never once thought that I would want to try & maybe get back together after his apology (I’m pretty sure he wanted to try – he regretted his decision, never admitted he regretted but I knew) but a sense of peace moved in, one that I felt my power slowly coming back. & today – I realized that power is officially back.
I actually forgot up until this past week what today was. I scheduled a tattoo appointment for today not realizing what today was. I was suppose to have a friend from Ohio come to visit & we were going to explore Portland together & road trip all over the Pacific Northwest – not remembering what today was. But she recently backed out, which at first I was sad about. I’ve never had the pleasure & experienced to show any friends from Dayton my home, where I have grown to love – the 6 years that I lived in Spokane for school, & now most recently moving back – I’ve always been the one to go back to visit – & its tiring emotionally, to be honest.
But I had already scheduled my tattoo appointment & paid the deposit. & I decided to take this weekend to m y s e l f – to regroup, renew, to continual processing & to continue to get my power back – my strength.
& it has been so incredibly fucking good
So incredibly – fucking good
I decided to visit all new places instead of my favorites. There is so much to explore. So much to see. All over really, just in general. But Portland has always been a favorite city of mine.
So many coffee shops, tried a couple new breweries, visited new shops. Bought a few house plants (now have 38), & the biggest reason I came was to add to my right arm of sunflowers – my favorite flower. A work in progress of a collection of sunflowers from different tattoo artists. What an adventure it has been!
There’s something about traveling alone that’s refreshing. I bet people stare at me wonder why I’m alone – but who cares right? I have the freedom to do so, to be independent & strong. & I’m not ashamed of it. Especially working two jobs in customer service where I am constantly talking with people – its tiring, & traveling solo & keeping to myself – I’m perfectly fine with it.
& crocheting at bars? Fuck yeah.
I also have had opportunities to meet new people, which Portland is great with. One of the coffee shops I went to this morning – I talked with the owners & a lady who was sipping on an Americano.
& as I’m sitting at Breakside Brewery, writing this post – my latest crochet project in hand, people watching – I feel refreshed. I feel renewed. I feel me again. I don’t feel sad. Nor anger or hatred toward Matthew from what happened two years ago today – but I feel myself again.
a l i v e
Really ready to begin my life – to seek new opportunities whether it comes to job, dating, & so forth. One thing I do know for sure.
I want to make the Pacific Northwest my home.
It would have to take an incredible amount of convincing to move back to Dayton. I’m realizing more & more that no matter how hard I tried to be apart of the community there – yes, I moved away for 6 years & then back for over 2. Its my hometown & I know things were never going to be the same. People lose touch with one another, lose connection – its authentically natural.
But when it came to making n e w friends. When it came to dating – to seek genuine connections. When it came to building community, building support.
There was nothing – like I was an outsider peeking in, trying to be apart of a community that in reality? I was never welcomed to be apart of. & that’s ok.
Ever since Matthew left – I did literally everything on my own – alone. Solo. No support. No community. Besides my dad, besides my best friend sweet Soleil (best friend of 16 years) & a couple new friends – Lauren, David, Amelia ♥️ but instead received judgment & no support. From my hometown. From a community I should have been welcomed into naturally but instead – the complete opposite.
& I’m ok with that. Really.
& even though I was suppose to enjoy this trip to Portland with a friend I had made during the time I was actively trying to build community back in Dayton – trying to actively build genuine friendships & connections – I’m glad to be alone & to take time to myself.
To continual new beginnings.
What a fantastic trip – to continual new beginnings