Camping · Emotions · Friendship · Healing · Hope · Memories · New Memories · Trials

Story #11 – r e n e w a l completely

“Its purpose is self renewal, and this is accomplished by spending time alone, immersed in the beautiful blanket of silence.” -anonymous-

IMG_4437

Camping. Something I haven’t done in over two years. Actually, the last camping trip I went on – for my 26th birthday to Hocking Hills in Ohio – was with Matthew. Exactly one month before he decided to up & leave, with no warning. That trip? Was suppose to help rekindle love that was lost, forgotten. In many ways, it was a great trip. But also – I had a distinct feeling, that something was about to change my life – forever.

Camping is something we did constantly, created so many wonderful memories. Being out in nature, with nature. Being away from the world, from daily routine, from responsibility – to just be free, be at peace, self-renewal. Camping is one of my favorite things to do. I much rather camp at a state park, a lake, or national park for vacation instead of going to the beach (don’t get me wrong, I like going to the beach! I like that tropical life too!), but camping is a time for me to step back – relax, breathe, regroup, renew.

The final weeks with Matthew, after he announced his leaving – he asked what we should do with all our camping equipment, as we began dividing everything up. “Um, I’m not sure. Maybe just divide it up?” We did receive it all as wedding gifts. Later on, turns out, he gave half of our camping supplies away to friends – and tossed the rest. I was heartbroken. Something I cherished & loved. Something that meant so much to me, something that I enjoyed doing greatly – suddenly gone. In a blink. I haven’t camped since.

My sweet best friend & I, along with a couple other friends – went camping. My first time since that camping trip back in 2015. We drove up to Priest Lake, Idaho – about an hour & half  from Spokane  – we drove up on a campsite that was unoccupied, settled in, & Emily made dinner while I prepared corn on the cob to roast over the fire, to go along with dinner. After dinner, we traveled down to the lake for a night swim. I sat on the beach with Lacey, contemplating, thinking, processing – pure joy, pure happiness, some sadness as old memories resurfaced. One of my thoughts – “Matthew & I would go camping often. I loved it.” What a beautiful view (first picture posted up above), & I remember feeling at peace, ready to make new camping memories, toward new beginnings.

The entire weekend was spent eating great food, drinking great beer (so much beer… LOL), laughing, conversation, silliness, swimming, relaxing, connecting with nature – connecting with friends. Lacey had the time of her life! Channeling her inner wolf. The smell of campfires, crocheting, reading – relaxing, regrouping, renewal.

I’ve come to the realization more & more – there are some things that I’m ready to let go, officially. & the thought of holding on to certain things, certain people – it’s time to release them. It’s time to focus on my future, & it’s time to focus on really settling in to my new home in Spokane – & what I believe it to be – my long-term home. To not be afraid of Matthew being back, to not let that affect my love for Spokane & the people, the community, all the booming local businesses, the easy access to nature, to camping. Certain people I kept holding on to back in Dayton, or at least the idea. Released officially.  & the freedom I have, the feeling – indescribable. Pure joy – pure happiness.

To new beginnings – a brighter hope, an even brighter future – cheers to camping

 

IMG_4449

Priest Lake – Idaho – incredibly beautiful & peaceful!

Lacey seriously had the time of her life! She went swimming, relaxed by the campfire, well-behaved the entire time. She snuggled with me under my blanket at night. And boy, did she received a good bath when we got home!

C57607ED-2C15-4252-9CDB-A5187913975E

One thing important that I reminded myself of – raw, natural beauty. Going without make-up (which I actually don’t wear a lot of anyways, but have my moments where I like to get fancy with it), I reminded myself how beautiful I am. Something that I struggled with for the longest time – my body, my looks. Primarily because Matthew down-talked me constantly, shattering my self-confidence. The times he got on me about my weight, the way I dressed & presented myself. My last year with him – I went to the gym 5 days a week, pushed myself, didn’t eat much – & I lost so much weight. I felt too skinny & wasn’t happy. It was also too late for him to even notice. But I’ve gained a good portion of it back & realized – I’ve a curvaceous woman, embracing it more each day. Camping to me? Allows me to be free, to not focus on how I look, but to feel more confident in my physical appearance. A gentle & sweet reminder. Embrace your body & take care of it – love & appreciate it. Remind yourself – just how beautiful you really are.

Until next time

 

 

Anniversary · Divorce · Emotions · Friendship · Healing · Hope · July · Lavender · Marriage · Memories · New Memories · Sage · Triggers · Uncategorized · Wedding

Story #9 – 7.9.11

“At last – my love has come along. My lonely days are over. And life is like a song.”

“You smiled, you smiled. Oh and then the spell was cast. And here we are in heaven. for you are mine. At last…” -Etta James- (song we had played while we kissed at the alter)

6 years ago T O D A Y – 7.9.11 – a life long commitment that was made in front of family & friends, vows that were made, the hustle & bustle beforehand to prepare for this moment of my life, the excitement leading up to it, the pamper of myself, the magical moment where I became a bride, ready to unite with her groom, someone who I thought loved & cherished me unconditionally. The beauty of community surrounding us in support, the merging of two families from across the country. The love & promise between husband & wife.

Today would have marked 6 years of marriage with whom I thought was my best friend, my life partner, my soul mate, my companion. Today marks first wedding anniversary – divorced, single, alone. I remember this day last year – I turned in our dissolution papers to the post office one last time. And when I arrived, standing in front of the gal, I realized what day it was, the oddness of turning those papers in one last time, that shortly led to the court date to finalize my divorce – a month later. I never imagined myself in this position. I had made a promise after all – quitting was not an option. Leaving, abandonment – was not an option. But it was to him. And I couldn’t change that. All the handwork I put into our marriage, because I cared & loved him unconditionally, but didn’t receive it back. Nothing matter.

I remember our wedding day very clearly – in a little old chapel located on my high school campus (I know, weird right?! But an orphanage built in the early 1800s? Lots of great old historic buildings), sunflowers as my main flower (obviously), an ivory colored wedding dress, my closets friends by my side, my best friend, Soleil, as my maid-of-honor & my sister right next to her, my family & his. I wanted to get married back in Dayton OH, primarily because I wanted to give my mom the opportunity to attend – but she didn’t. In her state of mind, I had a feeling she wasn’t going to be there, but I had hope, & wanted to give her that chance.

It was incredibly humid, no air-conditioning in the chapel. Matthew was so nervous, he consumed an entire container of altoids! I was so sweaty, I asked for a fan to be put directly underneath me, the cold breeze shooting up my dress (LOL), my relatively small heals were killing my feet – so I kicked them off & walked down the isle with my dad holding me lose -shoeless, peaks of the blue polish on my toes showing. But time stood still – a beautiful moment that I had dreamed of & prayed for, was coming true. Who knew, that everything would come crashing down & abruptly end a few years later? Because he simply didn’t want to be with me anymore? Because he decided to stop pursuing his faith that now has me questioning mine, because of what happened & all the incredible amounts of judgement I received from Christians, when it wasn’t even my fault in the first place? Everything – suddenly changed, the future erased, the path became unknown & unsteady, rocky, shaky. Alone. Afraid. Heartbroken. Emotionally & mentally destroyed.

As today was approaching, & after finding out Matthew was back in Spokane – I began to worry, get down on myself, sad. How was I going to face today? What was I going to do to turn this day into a positive one full of new memories, new beginnings?

I took the day off work. I was determined to make new memories, toward new beginnings for myself. I didn’t want to dread this day today & in the future, but to look back & remember the good memories I made.

It started out with coffee at one of my favorite coffee shops, Vessel Roasters. I met with a new sweet friend, what a beautiful spirit she is! Her husband is a local musician, & such a talented one! And I met her at work, last month, when I was doing a carry-out for her & her adorable baby girl. We got talking & I put the connection together. We grabbed coffee this morning, & what a sweet blessing it was. I began talking about my divorce & everything. And after the conversation, I remembered thinking to myself “I wasn’t sad when I talked about it.” A new friendship blossomed.

I drove & met with my friend Rashel, who I went to Moody Bible Institute with. Her friendship has been a huge encouragement to me. We always have some of the greatest conversations & times together. There was a U-Pick lavender festival that I wanted to check out & she wanted to go with me! We each brought some snacks, water, and a pair of socks (admission to the festival as a donation for a local organization). We picked bundles of lavender, while being serenaded by a harpist, laughing & taking photos. After we finished, we drove up to Green Bluff (all these local farms where you can pick produce) & went to a brewery & enjoyed a lavender IPA that was fantastic, followed by cherry picking. After we got back into town, I met up with another sweet long-time friend, Emily. What an incredible blessing she is & has been to me. “This is your night! I’m just here for ya, along for the ride.” Drove & picked her up, went & purchased a small bundle of sage, went out to eat at one of my favorite places – Ruins. Up the street in The Garland District that’s become a favorite place of mine to one of my favorite bars for drinks, Bon Bon. Sat, ate popcorn, had a couple drinks, knit/crocheted, all the laughter. Spontaneous sunset photo shoot in my neighborhood, & back to my apartment where we had a sage burning ceremony – cleansing all negative energy out of us. Outside, in the cool summer breeze, as the sun was setting. The smell of sweet sage, burning, cleansing my soul, my spirit – healing – toward new beginnings, a brighter hope, a brighter future. And as Emily was covering me in sage – I thought to myself “I rid what this day use to mark, & start fresh, toward new beginnings for myself.” And after we finished, I felt free.

The community here in Spokane – has been overwhelmingly incredible. The support, the encouragement, the genuine connections, the healing. Something I struggled with constantly back in Dayton when I was there over the past two years – my hometown. A time in my life where I really needed the support from community, but instead – received nothing. For the first several months of Matthew gone & I was struggling making ends meet for myself, I was alone, & dealt with nothing but negative energy, judgement, shame. All from a situation that I had no control over, that wasn’t from the root of my own personal problem, but his. I tried fitting into a “community” that was made apparent that I didn’t belong. I stopped caring for myself, out every weekend getting intoxicated, desperately wanted to fit in, to not feel alone, but in reality? I still felt incredibly alone. Yes, I made some new friends along the way, toward the very end of my time in Dayton, that I am incredibly thankful for – for I believe they helped bring me out of a dark & depressing time of my life. But over all? I was struggling. I was in a funk, a pattern of constantly being stuck, depressed. On repeat. And my abrupt decision to move back to Spokane, where it all started with Matthew, determined to make new memories in Spokane, a city I always had a love-hate relationship with – I knew it was time. To move back to a community I knew would have been there for me, to help me through my time of depression, my divorce. And the moment I returned – nothing by reassurance of that very fact – and today, proved it tremendously.

B5474988-C6B7-4294-BB86-13163E911E3E

My sweet friend Rashel – so incredibly thankful for her & her friendship over the past several years!

Vessel Roasters w/ new sweet friend Nina – Big Barn Brewery & Cherry picking w/ Rashel!

IMG_3742

IMG_3686

So incredibly thank for Emily & her sweet friendship, her encouragement, & her badass self – strong & independent.

7.9.11 to 7.9.16 – complete healing – toward new beginnings, a brighter hope, a brighter future – toward self-rediscovery, to being strong, independent, uniquely beautiful, to finding purpose in life & seeking new opportunities – to finally being free from pain, heart-ache, trauma – to complete healing.

Thank you to all who reached out to me today – & to Nina, Rashel, & Emily especially.

Until Next Time.