Divorce · Emotions · Healing · Hope · July · Marriage · Memories · Sunflower · Trials · Triggers · Uncategorized

Story #10 – Slow to S P E A K

“Before you say something, think how you’d feel if someone said it to you.” – anonymous-

“If the words you spoke appeared on your skin would you still be b e a u t i f u l?” -anonymous-

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One of my biggest frustrations since Matthew left – the constant down talk about how “I could have done better.” How he was plain stupid, not well-liked, etc. Why on earth, do you even get the slightest thought, that it’s ok to speak to me like that? Or to anyone?

Very recently, I had a moment where it happened. In great company too. And one of my dear friends, who knew him before he snapped & changed, recognized the severity of the rudeness, but I held it together & let this gal speak. Her talking – minutes felt like hours. But yet – I bit my tongue & remained calmed. I let her speak her mind. I sat there, listened, took the brutal talk, brutal words, & listened. Agreeing with her. Because I didn’t want to get involved in an argument, from having a great evening with dear friends – my community. I wasn’t going to allow her painful words – affect & hurt me. But – I can’t seem to shake it.

I’ve been battling with negative thoughts since – was I stupid? Naive? Could I have done better? What is wrong with me to receive such poor treatment? Constantly? Harsh & judgmental words? How suddenly quick she was to speak as well. I sat there in shock, hurt, fighting back tears. I felt so belittled, incredibly stupid. Incredibly low. And I have been since. A thought I haven’t really thought about it.

Ever since Matthew left, I’ve had more people come forward to vocally voice their opinion on how they viewed him, how they disliked him, wandered why I was with him, why I – didn’t leave him. You know by whom? By those who only met & knew him – after things drastically changed between us. After something snapped. Because those people? Didn’t know him before he changed – they didn’t see the caring, gentle, & sweet spirit he was – the little things he use to do for me, like place bouquets of sunflowers on the dashboard of my car – while I was at work. The several times he brought me coffee also while at work, that one time he surprised me with tickets to my favorite band – mewithoutYou – twice! The several times he cooked me dinner, brought me breakfast in bed, told me how beautiful I was, how he really loved me unconditionally – and those who knew him before he changed suddenly – saw his love for me, & his sweet spirit, caring self. He was well-liked by others. My dad & him grew a close friendship tremendously – he even took my dad out to breakfast to ask for my hand in marriage. He was good – really good.

I grieved over what was gone – his old self, the self I missed dearly – sometimes I still do. And for someone who has no clue what the past two years of my life have been like, the last few years with Matthew & what I dealt with when he snapped suddenly – to speak such harsh & hurtful words. “I thought he was stupid & I always wondered why the fuck you were with him. You could have done better. And then he really fucked up when he left you.” Well no fucking shit – he really fucked up & I hope & I assume that he realizes it. But even during the worst times with him – I remained hopeful, because I knew what he was capable of – because I experienced it, & so did everyone else.

I ran into my roommate from college at work a few days ago – first time seeing her in exactly 6 years – literally. One of those moments where you both lean back, looking at each other, realizing you recognize one other – “Marcie?!” “Shannon?!” Shannon was my last roommate before I got married, & by far my favorite. We lived in a house together with 3 other girls, & then it was just us 2 until we both went on our separate ways, both engaged – she now has two adorable little boys, with her husband. And me? Alone. The look on her face when I told her, sudden heartbreak, sadness. “But Marcie! He loved you so much!” I know he did – but shortly after her & I parted ways? He didn’t – suddenly. Sadness. Pain. Devastation. She was experiencing those emotions for me – because she saw, & she knew – What Matthew was like before he – changed suddenly.

I just want to encourage everyone – please, please THINK before you utter any words. You have absolutely no idea what the past 7 years of my life were like. You have not walked in my shoes. You have not experienced what I experienced & went through. To the next person that speaks to me in such a way – I will call you out on it. Right there. To your face. Because that type of treatment needs to be stopped – immediately.

This week has already been rather emotional, full of self-reflecting, thinking, process, continual healing – & that conversation? Was the icing on the cake from everything else this week – & it’s only Thursday.

I’m emotionally drained – when will I stop feeling this way? When will I stop crying? When will I find myself normal again? To not constantly be on the verge of tears? To not constantly randomly start crying? To not let my mind wander to the past? When will I feel like my normal self again? When will I be brought out of this – depression?

& even though last weekend was a huge weekend in celebration toward new beginnings, a brighter hope, a brighter future – continual healing finally taking place – I still have my moments, I still struggle, & I recognize it – & I am trying to figure out what to do – to help myself.

I’m just being real. Raw. Honest. Authentic. Me – thoughts, process, healing – until next time.

14F1818F-961C-40DE-BCEE-51D8A0CB0C8D“You should step into my shoes and walk a mile. Then maybe you’ll see how hard it is to hold back tears and fake smiles.” -anonymous-

Anniversary · Divorce · Emotions · Friendship · Healing · Hope · July · Lavender · Marriage · Memories · New Memories · Sage · Triggers · Uncategorized · Wedding

Story #9 – 7.9.11

“At last – my love has come along. My lonely days are over. And life is like a song.”

“You smiled, you smiled. Oh and then the spell was cast. And here we are in heaven. for you are mine. At last…” -Etta James- (song we had played while we kissed at the alter)

6 years ago T O D A Y – 7.9.11 – a life long commitment that was made in front of family & friends, vows that were made, the hustle & bustle beforehand to prepare for this moment of my life, the excitement leading up to it, the pamper of myself, the magical moment where I became a bride, ready to unite with her groom, someone who I thought loved & cherished me unconditionally. The beauty of community surrounding us in support, the merging of two families from across the country. The love & promise between husband & wife.

Today would have marked 6 years of marriage with whom I thought was my best friend, my life partner, my soul mate, my companion. Today marks first wedding anniversary – divorced, single, alone. I remember this day last year – I turned in our dissolution papers to the post office one last time. And when I arrived, standing in front of the gal, I realized what day it was, the oddness of turning those papers in one last time, that shortly led to the court date to finalize my divorce – a month later. I never imagined myself in this position. I had made a promise after all – quitting was not an option. Leaving, abandonment – was not an option. But it was to him. And I couldn’t change that. All the handwork I put into our marriage, because I cared & loved him unconditionally, but didn’t receive it back. Nothing matter.

I remember our wedding day very clearly – in a little old chapel located on my high school campus (I know, weird right?! But an orphanage built in the early 1800s? Lots of great old historic buildings), sunflowers as my main flower (obviously), an ivory colored wedding dress, my closets friends by my side, my best friend, Soleil, as my maid-of-honor & my sister right next to her, my family & his. I wanted to get married back in Dayton OH, primarily because I wanted to give my mom the opportunity to attend – but she didn’t. In her state of mind, I had a feeling she wasn’t going to be there, but I had hope, & wanted to give her that chance.

It was incredibly humid, no air-conditioning in the chapel. Matthew was so nervous, he consumed an entire container of altoids! I was so sweaty, I asked for a fan to be put directly underneath me, the cold breeze shooting up my dress (LOL), my relatively small heals were killing my feet – so I kicked them off & walked down the isle with my dad holding me lose -shoeless, peaks of the blue polish on my toes showing. But time stood still – a beautiful moment that I had dreamed of & prayed for, was coming true. Who knew, that everything would come crashing down & abruptly end a few years later? Because he simply didn’t want to be with me anymore? Because he decided to stop pursuing his faith that now has me questioning mine, because of what happened & all the incredible amounts of judgement I received from Christians, when it wasn’t even my fault in the first place? Everything – suddenly changed, the future erased, the path became unknown & unsteady, rocky, shaky. Alone. Afraid. Heartbroken. Emotionally & mentally destroyed.

As today was approaching, & after finding out Matthew was back in Spokane – I began to worry, get down on myself, sad. How was I going to face today? What was I going to do to turn this day into a positive one full of new memories, new beginnings?

I took the day off work. I was determined to make new memories, toward new beginnings for myself. I didn’t want to dread this day today & in the future, but to look back & remember the good memories I made.

It started out with coffee at one of my favorite coffee shops, Vessel Roasters. I met with a new sweet friend, what a beautiful spirit she is! Her husband is a local musician, & such a talented one! And I met her at work, last month, when I was doing a carry-out for her & her adorable baby girl. We got talking & I put the connection together. We grabbed coffee this morning, & what a sweet blessing it was. I began talking about my divorce & everything. And after the conversation, I remembered thinking to myself “I wasn’t sad when I talked about it.” A new friendship blossomed.

I drove & met with my friend Rashel, who I went to Moody Bible Institute with. Her friendship has been a huge encouragement to me. We always have some of the greatest conversations & times together. There was a U-Pick lavender festival that I wanted to check out & she wanted to go with me! We each brought some snacks, water, and a pair of socks (admission to the festival as a donation for a local organization). We picked bundles of lavender, while being serenaded by a harpist, laughing & taking photos. After we finished, we drove up to Green Bluff (all these local farms where you can pick produce) & went to a brewery & enjoyed a lavender IPA that was fantastic, followed by cherry picking. After we got back into town, I met up with another sweet long-time friend, Emily. What an incredible blessing she is & has been to me. “This is your night! I’m just here for ya, along for the ride.” Drove & picked her up, went & purchased a small bundle of sage, went out to eat at one of my favorite places – Ruins. Up the street in The Garland District that’s become a favorite place of mine to one of my favorite bars for drinks, Bon Bon. Sat, ate popcorn, had a couple drinks, knit/crocheted, all the laughter. Spontaneous sunset photo shoot in my neighborhood, & back to my apartment where we had a sage burning ceremony – cleansing all negative energy out of us. Outside, in the cool summer breeze, as the sun was setting. The smell of sweet sage, burning, cleansing my soul, my spirit – healing – toward new beginnings, a brighter hope, a brighter future. And as Emily was covering me in sage – I thought to myself “I rid what this day use to mark, & start fresh, toward new beginnings for myself.” And after we finished, I felt free.

The community here in Spokane – has been overwhelmingly incredible. The support, the encouragement, the genuine connections, the healing. Something I struggled with constantly back in Dayton when I was there over the past two years – my hometown. A time in my life where I really needed the support from community, but instead – received nothing. For the first several months of Matthew gone & I was struggling making ends meet for myself, I was alone, & dealt with nothing but negative energy, judgement, shame. All from a situation that I had no control over, that wasn’t from the root of my own personal problem, but his. I tried fitting into a “community” that was made apparent that I didn’t belong. I stopped caring for myself, out every weekend getting intoxicated, desperately wanted to fit in, to not feel alone, but in reality? I still felt incredibly alone. Yes, I made some new friends along the way, toward the very end of my time in Dayton, that I am incredibly thankful for – for I believe they helped bring me out of a dark & depressing time of my life. But over all? I was struggling. I was in a funk, a pattern of constantly being stuck, depressed. On repeat. And my abrupt decision to move back to Spokane, where it all started with Matthew, determined to make new memories in Spokane, a city I always had a love-hate relationship with – I knew it was time. To move back to a community I knew would have been there for me, to help me through my time of depression, my divorce. And the moment I returned – nothing by reassurance of that very fact – and today, proved it tremendously.

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My sweet friend Rashel – so incredibly thankful for her & her friendship over the past several years!

Vessel Roasters w/ new sweet friend Nina – Big Barn Brewery & Cherry picking w/ Rashel!

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So incredibly thank for Emily & her sweet friendship, her encouragement, & her badass self – strong & independent.

7.9.11 to 7.9.16 – complete healing – toward new beginnings, a brighter hope, a brighter future – toward self-rediscovery, to being strong, independent, uniquely beautiful, to finding purpose in life & seeking new opportunities – to finally being free from pain, heart-ache, trauma – to complete healing.

Thank you to all who reached out to me today – & to Nina, Rashel, & Emily especially.

Until Next Time.

Basset-Hound · Divorce · Emotions · Marriage · Memories · Patrick-Hound · Trials · Triggers · Uncategorized

Story #7 – An Ode – To Patrick Hound

Oh Patrick Hound – your frito smelling self – them droopy eyes & them built-n-napkins (aka your ears). Tomorrow is your 13th Birthday. I hope you are still enjoying life & causing a whole lot of ruckus because damn – you certainly did when I had you. But you know what? It was worth it.

5 years ago, Patrick Hound – my beloved basset-hound, came into my life. My ex-husband & I adopted him together. I grew up with basset-hounds, & recently before adopting Patrick, my best friend of 13 & 1/2 years had past away, suddenly (Maimie, my basset-hound back home in Ohio). She was the dog that could sense something was wrong & keep you company when you were down. She helped me get through a lot growing up when everything was happening with my mom. I clung to her constantly, & the last time I saw here, was the night before my wedding.

Matthew & I had talked about wanting to adopt a dog, & no doubt, I wanted a basset-hound. Surprisingly, we came across Patrick on Craigslist – he looked identical to Maimie. The owners said he was roughly 6, but it turned out – he was turning 9. Patrick had been bounced around a lot – from home to home, to the basset rescue, back to home to home. I wanted to give him a forever home. The high anxiety he had, I believe came from having so many unstable environments, abandonment. We ended up adopting another dog to help with his anxiety, & that’s when my cocker spaniel Lacey came into the picture – one year later.

Patrick’s anxiety went down tremendously. They became the best of friends. But Patrick still got into so much trouble – the times he would pull bags of produce off the counter top & consume the entire thing (minus the bag itself), the time he managed to open the refrigerator door & consume in 1 sitting a whole pizza, a package of hot dogs, a package of corn tortillas, & a package of deli lunch meat, the times he pulled the cast iron skillets off the stove top & licked them clean, the times he would eat my jalapeño peppers right off the plant, the times he jumped on my end table & snuck onto the bed at night – pushing me to the bottom of the bed while he took over my pillow, the time he broke my waffle maker (RIP waffle maker), the time he managed to open the oven door where I store Matthew’s birthday cake & he consumed the entire thing (no, the oven wasn’t on), or the times I would catch him literally standing – on top of the kitchen table. Patrick got into the worst trouble constantly, but he was the sweetest companion who reminded me so much of Maimie – it felt like I had her all over again.

Shortly after Matthew left, Patrick’s anxiety sky-rocketed. He was constantly peeing in my apartment, constantly getting into even more trouble, & just constantly down – a change took place – abandonment, a change in the home environment. Patrick felt the abandonment – just like me.

When Matthew asked if he could have him, I was heartbroken all over again. I didn’t want to give him up, but I knew Matthew & Patrick were extremely close – I knew Patrick would be happier. So I agreed. We decided to meet in St. Louis to pass him off. The road trip there was nerve-wrecking. I was about to see Matthew for the first time since he left, & I was about to give him Patrick – & never see him again. Patrick was such a great companion in the car. He stretched out in the back seat & slept the entire time. Or he would just look out the window. I stopped to take a break, & hid my snacks in the middle console – low & behold, he managed to open it & consume my entire unopened bags of my favorite trail mix & turkey jerky. Surprise, surprise. That’s the last time that sucker stole my food 🙂

& when time came to pass him along to Matthew, my heart broke yet all over again. Crying, kissing his sweet snout, & smelling his frito-self – one last time.

& the car ride back home? Incredibly lonely. Devastating. It felt like I lost both of my beloved basset-hounds – Maimie, my best friend who I clung to during some of the darkest moments of my childhood, & Patrick – who looked identical to Maimie & acted just like her, who also was my best friend & I also clung to during some of the darkest moments of my marriage.

Happy 13th Birthday big bad – you are severely missed – always.

So much change – in such a short period of time – process – it’s still difficult.

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When we first adopted Patrick – took him to a park to roam around – instant connection.

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Patrick & Lacey did everything together – they were always adventuring!

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When we first moved back to Ohio – we moved right before winter, slept on an air mattress for quite sometime, & Patrick was always super snuggly & kept me warm.

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Camping Trip for my birthday – September 2015 at Hocking Hills State Park in Ohio – our last little family trip together – forever.

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October 2015 – this little family hike was the last one. This hike held the most heartbreaking conversation with Matthew, & a few days later he announced he was leaving. This picture I absolutely love though – Patrick always loved adventuring & sniffing the surroundings around him.

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March 2016 – on our way to St Louis – after he consumed my snacks LOL

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This was our last walk together. We walked around a park in St Louis while we waited on Matthew. What a beautiful day it was to go for a walk – one last time.

& this picture down below- is the last picture I have of Patrick. Matthew sent this to me shortly after we parted ways – I cried all the way home afterward – alone.

Even though Patrick is a dog – he became a part of me, of our little family then. He was one of many firsts together, & he was a constant reminder of Maimie – my childhood best friend. A constant reminder.

Healing – processing – memories – to new beginnings.

Until next time.

 

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Divorce · Emotions · Marriage · Memories · Sunflower · Tattoos · Trials · Triggers · Uncategorized

Story #6 – 7 Years Tragically Over

“Love is a dress that you made, long to hide your knees, love to say this to your face, ‘I’ll love you only.’ for your days and excitement, what will you keep for to wear? Someday drawing you different, may I be weaved in your hair?

Love and some verses you hear, say what you can’t say, love to say this in your ear, ‘I’ll love you that way.’ from your changing contentments, what will you choose for to share? Someday drawing you different, may I be weaved in your hair?”

Lyrics from Iron & Wine  (Love and Some Verses) – a band I loved once, a song I loved once. What beautiful lyrics. What beautiful meaning. What beautiful sound. And now? A song I never want to hear again, a band I never want to hear again – triggers. Most painful.

July 9th, 2017 would have marked what would have been my 6th wedding anniversary. Instead? It will be first anniversary of officially divorced. I didn’t realize last year I was mailing the dissolution papers in to the courts on what would have been my 5th wedding anniversary – & just a few short days later? A court date was delivered to finalize it officially. Over in 5 mins – the past 7 years of my life.

I met my ex-husband, Matthew, second day of my freshman year of college (Moody Bible Institute). Moved across country for school, he moved up from California. We instantly clicked. Became friends. & 3 months after we met – we began our dating journey. A year & a half later – he proposed to me up on Green Bluff at my favorite orchard, where you can cut bouquets of fresh flowers. A year later – July 9th, 2011 – we got married. Felt connected, felt loved & cherished, we were walking the same path together, doing life together, loving each other unconditionally. But what most people don’t know – something changed once we got married.

He quickly began to distant himself from me. I became that nagging wife no husband likes & I hated myself as well – just to get his attention or to get him to complete important tasks done that he kept putting off. I remember my last semester at Moody, I was working full time, taking 18 credits, involved in ministry at the church we were attending, preparing for graduation, preparing a move, preparing adopting a dog, kept our home clean & laundry & cooked – while he worked part-time while taking 3 credits, preparing for graduation – distancing himself even more. I remember feeling overwhelmed, stressed, exhausted, alone, & greatly unappreciated. & that continual pattern kept happening. I began to lose myself & who I was, because I was so caught up in trying to work so hard & take care of all responsibilities since I was alone in them.

As time went on, things worsened. The relationship, the marriage – became toxic. Emotional abuse was evident. Mental abuse as well. Even physical at times. I was already feeling unappreciated, & was hammered with reminders – constantly. The times he got on me about my weight, the times he would tell me the outfit I was wearing was not flattering to him & ask me to change, the several times he chose his friends over me, the times he constantly criticize me on every little thing – standing behind me as I was cooking him dinner telling me what to do differently – no encouragement, no reminders of how beautiful I was, no appreciation. I got in my head that I deserved nothing but the worse treatment, that I had no value, no worth, & I needed to be skinny – my battle with food began. No one knew what was going on. I was ashamed & afraid to say anything. I was alone with my thoughts – thoughts that tormented me for a couple years.

6 months of marriage counseling didn’t help. & within the second session, our counselor asked me to share with Matthew my past with my mom (see back in Story #4 post) – which was the first time I  talked to him about it – period. I remember sitting on the opposite end of the couch from him, in silence, crying, speechless. Afraid. Afraid to speak. Afraid to relive those memories. Afraid to be so deeply vulnerable to someone who hadn’t earned my trust with the way he viewed & little-valued me, unappreciative of me. But I managed to slur out a few words, that formed into sentences, that opened my heart completely. I told him everything, sobbing the entire time – the most vulnerable I ever became with him – only to have it slapped across my face a little over a year later.

Shortly after we decided to move back to where I’m originally from – Dayton OH. November 2014, right before Thanksgiving. We decided maybe a fresh start elsewhere would help. Plus there was a lot of family situations happening that I felt compelled to help with. But once we moved back to Dayton – the distancing worsened. The emotional abuse intensified, the mental abuse slapped harder, & self-mental abuse slapped even harder. I went into denial. Pretended everything was ok. Swept it all under a rug. Then one day – a day I will never in my life forget.

October 16th, 2015 – not even a year later after we moved back to Dayton. A week after my sweet nephew was born. A week after Matthew & I got into a fight, a heated discussion about separating, that being the next step. I asked him to decide what to do next, told him how I was ok with separating & that we would make it work, but that I simply could not keep on playing emotional games with him.

October 16th, 2015 – a Friday night – shortly after 10pm. Matthew returned home from work (Apple Inc.), & asked if we could talk. I will never forget those words that followed, “I applied for a work transfer tonight, to Boulder, Colorado. I’m hoping to move there in 3 weeks.” My response – utter shock, my heart dropped, my face pale white, instantly began sweating – “Ok… may I ask why?” His response – “I want a fresh start with my life, because I’m not happy being married to you anymore.” I instantly began to cry. Instantly. Heartbroken. Felt like my heart was completely ripped out of my chest & slapped across my face. Self-mental abuse struck harder, immediately shifting blame on myself. Everything I put up with for those 4 years of marriage – our entire marriage really – everything I did for him, all for nothing. I never felt so low in my life. I was devastated. Matthew left & stayed with friends. Came back 2 days later & said plane ticket was officially purchased & moved all his stuff out immediately, left me to live in an apartment we had together, where he told me that he was leaving me. Left me with two dogs to take care of & one dog having severe anxiety issues. Left me with all the bills, left me to fight for health insurance, left me to fight for hours at a job I felt unappreciated at & alone, no friends really. Left me to face judgement at home alone – which I received a lot of. I was alone – for months. No time for myself. No time for anything. No one reaching out to me, & was afraid to ask for help or for support, for company, afraid of being a burden. Two months after he left, my grandmother passed away suddenly from a heart-attack in her home – 2 weeks before Christmas. I lost another friend as well, my mom who had been absent from my life over the past 15 years was suddenly back in my life, I came down with a severe case of strep-throat that put me out of work for almost 2 weeks, I wasn’t sleeping, I wasn’t eating. I quickly found a full-time job. I stayed in the apartment because I had no money to move out – I was stuck for a year & a half there – sitting on the couch his parents gave us, constantly reminded of that conversation back on October 16th, 2015 – “I want a fresh start with my life because I’m not happy being married to you anymore.”

We argued back & forth how long to stay separated for at first. He asked for 6 months. I asked for 3 months. He asked for 6 months to a year with the thought of going ahead & filing – I asked to file. I was done being in denial. I was done putting up with the constant bullshit, I was ready for new beginnings. But what I didn’t know? He would drag it out as long as he could – almost an entire year. Months of sending papers back & forth, him shoving them aside, while living his life & already seeing someone exclusively – while I dealt with judgement, depression, stress, self-mental abuse – asking myself “Am I really that awful to be with? Is anyone ever going to be with me now that I have all this baggage? Anyone willing to be with someone broken? When it wasn’t even their fault? Or was it my fault? Did I deserve it?” He took one dog, I kept the other. I had to drive in March of 2016 to St. Louis to pass off our basset hound. What a lonely trip back that was. Heartbroken all over again.

And everything became official before a judge on August 24th, 2016 – one month before my 27th birthday. Matthew had to fly back to Dayton for court. I hated every minute of it. I felt alone. We walk in (he tried to hold my hand). The judge tried pressuring me to take alimony from him, but I refused. “But he makes “$10,000 more than you do a year!” I simply do not care – I am done, I want no ties to him. It was stated on record he abandoned the marriage – that’s on file. Court lasted 5 minutes – 5 minutes that ended 7 years – 7 years with someone who you thought you were spending the rest of your life with, who you thought was your best friend, your lover, your life partner. Something clicked in him that caused him to change & become so discontent, so angry, so distant. What happened to the man I once knew & fell in love with? The good in him? The love he had for others? The caring & sweet heart? Gentle spirit? Passion? What happened?

Many of you unfortunately were quick to judge. Quick to pressure me to make it work. Quick to tell me how to live my life, what to do next. Quick to throw the Bible on me & offer prayers up. Quick to judge. Quick to blame me. Because you know it was completely my fault that Matthew just blind-sided me. I just want to encourage you – before you say anything, before you send that Facebook message, that Christian Christmas card condemning to hell for divorcing – think.

And ever since then – ever since August 24th 2016 – it’s been about new beginnings, a brighter future, new hope. A new me – self-discovery, self-rediscovery – picking up the broken pieces & mend something together – to create hope & encouragement to others. To become more vulnerable & open, more genuine & real. To realize my worth & value, realize my beauty. Realize what I have to offer, what I deserve. & to not be afraid to connect again with my future life-partner, that I do long for & know that in timing, he will come along.

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Woodland Cemetery – Dayton OH – while Matthew was packing all his belongings, I attempted to go to work only to have a huge breakdown & was sent home. Stopped by my favorite local coffee shop & headed to a favorite spot of mine to reflect & try to process everything that was happening. A beautiful fall afternoon it was.

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One Month of being alone – realizing that honestly? It was a blessing in disguise. Already began feeling renewed, refreshed, & hopeful.

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August 24th, 2016 – dissolution was finalized in court – in 5 minutes, 7 years of my life was suddenly over. I drove immediately to my favorite coffee shop to debrief & a couple friends joined for support – huge thank you to David & Stephanie – new friends I had made recently then – I believe they were brought into my life for a reason, for they helped bring me out of a dark & depressing time of my life.

And today – June 4th, 2017 – a new me, a refreshed me, a renewed me. Living back to where everything began. To start a new life & to make new memories, because it’s about me now – & it’s about damn time.

To NEW Beginnings

Until Next Time

Crochet · Emotions · Memories · Trials · Triggers · Uncategorized

Story #5 – Sudden Strike of Emotion

Ever gone through something incredibly traumatic, & it takes you time to finally be in a spot where you felt good? You felt comfortable where you are at in life? May not be what you had in mind, but you finally felt content. You finally began to enjoy life for the first time in quite sometime. I’m not saying you didn’t or experienced your happy moments before getting to this spot prior, but when it’s a continual thing occurring. You finally felt free, healing, maybe even ready to date & meet new people, or maybe content with being single & enjoying your alone time, then experiencing a natural connection with someone.

Lately, I find myself content. Content for the first time in quite sometime. Ever since moving back to Spokane, a sense of peace & joy has settled within me. The amount of stress I was constantly fighting back in Ohio, had suddenly disappeared. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders, the burdens, the pain. I finally found myself content, content where I was at in life, & content with myself. Content with my body (I ain’t no super skinny gal, I’m starting to embrace my curves more & more, because them hips, thighs, & ass I tell ya) & I finally felt comfortable being single, being alone, enjoying my alone time. Because when you had a life planned with someone, been with them for 7 years, & they suddenly up & leave without any warning or thorough answers, you feel lost & hurt, abandoned, alone. Feeling alone is one of the worst feelings to experience. It’s a feeling I find myself constantly feeling & fighting. But – I finally found myself content with my alone time & enjoying doing things by myself, like exploring the community around me or going coffee shop hopping. Self- meditation time, self-exploring, self-love.

I even began to think “Maybe, I’m ready to date? Like actually? Is that possible? Think so? Maybe? But I’m too scared of getting my heart broken again.” Until today – I forgot about triggering moments, triggering memories, triggering sights – sights including people who use to be in your life & you thought would be for quite sometime.

What a beautiful spring day it was today. The sun was shining & the temperature was spot on. I met with a new dear friend at a coffee shop before work. I brought my most recent crochet project that I am currently working on (an infinity scarf), & we sat outside & talked, laughed, all the things. I happen to look up to see a couple walking toward us, & when I realized who it was, my heart dropped & I whispered to my friend over & over again “Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit.” Tried to converse with her to keep myself distracted. My ex-brother-in-law & his new wife – walking up to the door of the coffee shop I was at (apparently in town visiting because he does not live here). We made direct eye contact. Direct. His head went down. They walked up to the front door of the coffee shop – right next to where I was sitting outside, turned around, walked away – his head tilted down then entire time.

That was the first time in over two years I had seen him – last I saw him – I was still married to his brother, & we were about to hit the road to move to Ohio. Who knew the next time I would see him – I would no longer be married to his brother – but alone.

As they walked away, I began to tear up instantly. My friend was so encouraging, talked me through, reminded me how strong I am & how happier I am on my own. It did help in the moment. But I was instantly flooded with past memories, a life I once had & should still be living today. Overwhelmed with emotion, it consumed me – no matter how hard I fought to not allow it to. Because I am so emotionally exhausted. I am tired of triggers.

And all day – it consumed me. I found myself extremely sensitive. I found myself tearing up randomly. One point I had to walk outside at work to just cry for a brief moment. I felt annoyed, I felt angry, I felt stupid, inadequate, unappreciated. I began remembering how I once felt in my past marriage, how I always talked down on myself, that I wasn’t good enough & never will be for anyone, how I felt inadequate & never appreciated, & how I longed for true & genuine companionship, a life partner to walk life with & build a genuine & honest connection, relationship – all these thoughts suddenly overwhelmed me – & it all came from that triggering moment – seeing my ex-brother-in-law & how he completely ignored me & quickly walked the other direction – after not seeing me for over 2 years. But – should I have expected more? What was I expecting exactly?

I felt alone – alone in my thoughts, alone emotionally, just alone. A reminder of how I felt in the beginning when my ex-husband left me almost 2 years ago – suddenly alone, abandoned.

All I wanted to do was run home to my animals, snuggle them in my bed, & eat a gallon of ice cream (instead, I’m settling for a margarita with a couple spoonfuls of ice cream). But – I pushed & persevered through work, continued on, because life continues on, & you find strength & healing. It just takes time, time that cannot be rushed. And that’s ok. It’s ok.

I am strong. You are strong.

Remember that.

To new beginnings.

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Today at Indaba Coffee Bar  – where my ex-husband use to work years ago. Trying to make new memories in places that hold old memories. And even though today was rough emotionally in that moment – I really was happy, drinking coffee, doing what I love, connecting with a new friend.

Until next time.

Uncategorized

Story #3 – Sudden Overwhelm

For the past year, I get these sudden urges. It’s hard to process what exactly happens & understand why. But I think I am beginning to realize why. Especially since I moved back to Spokane, I’ve been experiencing them more & more, sometimes intensely. Spare of the moment. All of a sudden.

An overwhelming sense of sadness. If you know me, I’m a pretty happy & optimistic gal. I try to at least. I seek joy in all things, because why live life being that negative nancy that no one likes? Find joy in a l l things. Life is too short to not do so. Be an encouragement to others & demonstrate unconditional love.

But someone like me, we tend to hide how we really feel on the inside. I’ve mastered putting on a mask every day, for years. Especially the past two. And I’m wondering if these sudden urges of sadness I have been dealing with is my mask pealing off slowly. Something I know it’s time to deal with & time to process, to heal.

I get this overwhelming sense of sadness – all of a sudden. Out of nowhere. Maybe my mind starts thinking about the past, the traumatic events that took place that I haven’t dealt with yet. Actually I experienced this yesterday at work, one of the worst times too – at the register (I work for Trader Joe’s), checking a customer out, conversing with them. I felt tears weld up in my eyes, & I just wanted to start crying. It took all will-power to fight them back. Working in customer service & especially at Trader Joe’s, where you have to be upbeat & friendly (even though it comes naturally to me), it was so difficult to keep that pace when what felt like a water slide of tears about to burst through – out of nowhere.

What caused it? What was I thinking about at that moment? What was I trying to process at such an awful time? Timing of it? Awful. Absolutely awful. Maybe I’m depressed & I haven’t fully admit it yet to myself. Sometimes I find myself having such difficulty getting out of bed in the morning, motivated to do the things I’m passionate about & love, responsibilities. Because sometimes – I just stop caring. I stop caring because what’s the point? Anyone else feel this way? Know – you are not alone.

Then I remind myself – keep moving forward to new beginnings -new beginnings – a phrase I created for myself to encourage & to motivate. I think I am realizing more & more that it’s time to peal off the mask & start dealing with the hidden shit I buried within myself. To help stop these sudden urges of sadness. To continual healing.

To n e w beginnings

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The Mason Jar in Cheney WA – so stinkin cute. What a great atmosphere this place is.

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One of my favorite things to do is get out & explore the community around me. I’m known to what I like to call “coffee shop hopping.” Check out multiple shops at a time. I have been wanting to check out The Mason Jar for quite sometime. Let’s just say – it was worth the 25 minute commute.

Until next time.

Sunflower · Tattoos · Uncategorized

Story #2 – The Sunflower

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The picture above was taken back in September 2016 – right before I cut my dreads off. My friend Jonathon (check him out on instagram! I tagged him in this photo) is an incredible photographer & a sweet spirit. I’ve always wanted to have photos taken of myself in a sunflower field – and it happened.

The personality of the sunflower – me. My absolute favorite flower. The unique beauty that radiates off their yellow petals, how incredibly bright & cheerful they are, the way they draw themselves to the sun – always looking up. Not really quite a smell to them, but the different stages of the sunflower is incredibly beautiful to me, & I find myself relating to it. The very bright demeanor, love of beautiful things, the positive outlook & always looking on the bright side, warm & caring – simply & uniquely beautiful.

I’m currently working on a sleeve covered in sunflowers collecting from different artists, & at some point tying it all together with honeycomb (just decided that!) I’ve always been hesitant toward tattooing. Only because, it is something permanent on your body, forever. But when my grandmother passed away suddenly right before Christmas of 2015, I decided I wanted something to always remember her by, to have her close to me. And the idea of a sunflower popped into my mind – the idea of many in fact. For the love of gardening, plants, flowers – all came from her. And that’s when it began – the idea of a sleeve of sunflowers. One of the most resilient flowers around, who stand strong & show their bright demeanor. It resembles strength – which I think, I have a lot of, or at least I try to.

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My fourth sunflower – the head of the sunflower is tilted down. But yet – still looks beautiful & standing strong – just like me. I picked this idea because I wanted it to resemble all the trials & painful experiences I have walked throughout my childhood & most recently – the past two years. Because no matter what life throws at me – I find myself always standing strong – feeling down, but standing strong. The lady that tattooed this is incredibly talented. She tattooed a sunflower on me 6 months ago when I was in Spokane visiting before I decided to move back. We just connected & I knew I wanted to have another sunflower done by her & I picked her to do this one in particular. All free style – I just held my phone with an image of an idea I had, & she took her sharpie, started sketching, & created this beauty. She’s getting ready to move out of Spokane, & I am so thankful to have her do one more piece on me! A beautiful soul she is (not to mention, she has a few of my red dreads in her dreads!) A total of 4 sunflower tattoos & growing. I’ll post pictures of my other ones another time.

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Btw – Vessel Roasters in Spokane – so good. As I’m typing here, enjoying a V60 of their Ethiopian, & earlier met with a new friend who I instantly clicked with & have so many parallels from past experiences, to reconnecting with an old friend, to running into another dear friend as I’m typing this. Community – genuine & real. Love.

Until next time.